A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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