I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sext me about skeletons
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
