I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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