Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
