mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
