Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
