put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
