I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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