I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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