can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
