when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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