Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
