my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
