did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
