Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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