we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
