She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
