I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
