Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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