so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
