this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
