I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I want her autograph on my taint
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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