Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
