I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
