when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
