I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
