i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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