I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
