how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
