I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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