They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we made out on top of his cat.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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