My liver just broke up with me...
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
