Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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