mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
