I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
