gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
