what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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