yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
