My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
