My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
