You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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