Michael Bay diarrhea
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
