So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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