I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
