He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
