every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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