How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
where am i from again
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
