she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
