a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
