Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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