My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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